Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
