Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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