Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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