Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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