bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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