She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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