final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The beer is more important than you right now.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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