I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
