You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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