My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
