Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
