corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Send help, water and tortillas.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
