worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
