i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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