I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
