I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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