Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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