i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
