i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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