i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
