Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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