ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
