stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
