if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
