White coat. Heels.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need a beard to bite.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
