The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
