She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
