The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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