I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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