You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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