Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
