You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
