Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
