and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
