did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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