he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
