I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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