If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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