first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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