I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
