We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
