I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this hospital has no fireball
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
