chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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