There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
