May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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