it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
