we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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