Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
