Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
as a side note pls kill me
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