how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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