Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
