What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
dude. I can hear the air.
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