I saw his package. It spoke to me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
