what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
