I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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