The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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